Clutching the short straw

So, yeah… As I mentioned in the previous post, I’ve decided to put my all photographic activity on an indefinite hold. I have aborted the “Wunderkammer” series because I don’t think I’m achieving the results I wanted, but that’s only the symptom of a deeper problem. Or rather two:

One, I feel exhausted. Jaded. Dried up. I feel like I’ve said everything I wanted to say when I started doing collages, shooting and striving to communicate something, and that right now I’m only going through the motions. I’m not exploring anymore, but at the same time I don’t really know if there’s anything else I want to express. It’s as if all this was only the prelude, the learning stages for something else. During all this time I’ve been shooting I’ve moved towards something, creating a kind of a personal style in the way, something hinted at but still too inconsistent. I now look at all my work and, with few exceptions, see it as steps towards that, but with no actual achievements; as if I was defining the elements, but not creating the works themselves yet. Maybe it’s time to just let it steep, to assimilate everything I’ve done all these years and see what comes out of it after some time.

Two, money. I simply can’t afford it anymore, not for now. It’s bleeding me to death because doing what I do implies spending money in every stage, from buying film to printing a photo, from purchasing wallpaper and atrezzo to lights, paper or chemicals. I’ve managed to turn some weaknesses into strengths (I don’t need “proper” lighting for what I do, for example; neither do I require a space-age tripod; and so on), but right now I’m so broke I can’t even have prints of my own shots. The most I can do with my crap scanner is order a 20x30cm print at some digital lab, which to someone who got into this because he loved to do everything using his own hands, simply does not cut it. No money for prints leads to no possibility of exhibitions, which leads to no exposure, which leads to no money for prints. Vicious circle.

So that’s it. I’m hanging my hat for now. I don’t know what I’m going to do next, if I do something, or when I will start shooting again, or if I even will. If I do, I don’t know if I will show it. I don’t know anything and that’s what it’s all about: starting anew, with no intention and the least expectations possible… but not a tabula rasa, as I intend to carry everything I’ve learnt and that has made me what I am now with me.

Thanks to all who cared and helped, and hope to find you all somewhere along the way.

Cheers!